What I actually look like via the flattery of light emitted from my laptop...

I was in high school when I accompanied my mother to her consultation at a plastic surgery clinic. They took a picture of her, altered it with some fancy software, and showed her what she would look like post-surgery. She asked me if I wanted a consultation and I was very offended. I was offended not because I thought I was hot shit, I was offended because I thought that body altercation was wrong. Never mind that I was dyeing my hair every color of the rainbow. Never mind that I had chola eyebrows, orthodontics and wore a girdle to prom…
Aside from a short-lived flirtation with a slender physique when I contracted mono my sophomore year of high school, I was overweight from second grade to 19-years-old. I had body image issues for sure. I was even self-conscious of my upper lip and would position it in a way that would make it look smaller which resulted in my face looking more like Popeye’s face, because I had an under bite which was later corrected by 5 years of orthodontic alchemy.

When this serpent finally shed her size 12 skin to reveal a size 4/6, it didn’t get any better. I still hated my nose. It had continuously been compared to a tomato by various family members. I was called, “troll” by one of my classmates. I would implement “jowl” shots whenever pictures were taken of me to make my nose look less wide and flat. I would kick myself in the ass for not going through with the consultation and potentially undergoing rhinoplasty.

You would think my opinion of my nose would dissipate as I grew older, but it did not. Sunglasses were difficult to wear because my lack of having a nose bridge couldn’t hold them up and that became my main excuse for wanting a nose job. It was my little made-up way of justifying a $1000+ procedure when I just really had body dysmorphic disorder against my nose.

Only just recently have I gotten over myself and here is why:

With the magic of Photoshop at my fingertips, I decided to give myself a nose job.

Koi fish? Hammerhead shark?

If my nose were slimmed down, my inner ocular distance would be even more exaggerated. I would look like Eartha Kitt’s reject sister. So, I decided to see what it would be like if my eyes were closer together:

So wrong!

Not good. I look like I should be in the movie “Mask” or something. My face is too wide to have my eyes set closer together. So, what would happen if my face were slimmed as well?

I give up.

Oh no! Bride of Skeletor!

Here is what my family would look like if they went under the knife:

So handsome already. Can we improve his good looks?

Billy Baldwin cross-pollinated with David Duchovny?

But Mom! I already look like a more cartoony Bjork!

Ew. Gross.

I think I like us just the way we are.